Today I have largely been ‘off’. Meaning not doing much work – just sending a few desultory non life-changing emails. My day off is taking place in a flat with a television in it. Now that may not seem remarkable in the 21st century but for me it is, as I usually never watch TV and nor do I own one. But rain and sloth today combined to make me switch the thing on and see what was on offer. If I needed a reminder why I don’t have a TV, then this was it.
‘Property Greed’ – a dim Barbour-wearing woman being encouraged by a posh twat in a suit to mortgage herself to death by buying a wreck of a Victorian house in a ‘rapidly improving’ part of town. The twat advises that ‘lots of people are moving here’. There are people here already – they are just being forced out and replaced by the dreaded ‘young professionals’. Whatever that means.
‘Pro-celebrity Bear Baiting’. Or something like that.
‘Chav and Police Car Chase Action’. Pixellated drunk teenagers with no shirts on drive their small Peugeots like arseholes, endangering life and then get fined fifty pounds for it.
‘Cook and Come’. An astonishingly shapely woman makes a quick crepe suzette for her kids as they get back from school. This requires her to wipe white sugary stuff over her lips and occasionally slide her fingers in and out of her mouth. Very slowly.
‘ITN News’. There has been a terrible natural disaster in some remote country with many dead. Luckily none of them are Brits so here’s a in-depth profile of a Yorkshire Terrier from Wigan that can whistle Purple Rain.
‘Hang on in There’. A light-hearted look at live executions from around the world This week from Tehran, with Salman Rushdie.
‘Men and Penises.’ A bunch of loud men in even louder shirts and an invited ‘celebrity’ compare length, girth, rigidity and sperm count. Actually it may have been about cars. What would they make of my underpowered bouffant coupe I wonder. ‘Flaccid’ is the comment I would hope for. But then again I’ve heard that before.
‘Shit Shopping’. A woman in a skirt so short I can see what she had for lunch tries to sell me a vacuum cleaner for my shower. I kid you not. I mean who the fuck vacuums their shower?
‘UK Parliament’. The gripping committee stage of the ‘Filing Cabinet Management Order (Wales) as Amended’. Heady stuff.
‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1790’. A costume drama remake of that great horror flick. Well we are SO good at costume drama. It had Colin Firth in it. Obviously.
‘Sooty and Sweep’. Dear God I watched these two when I was about six. After 48 years can’t the BBC come up with something more elaborate than a mute sock with a rictus smile on its face and a bloke’s hand up its arse?
The TV guide also said there was programme on about the clitoris and I wanted to see that, but sadly couldn’t find it.